Hey, Heavyweight!

(music: Ralph Oswald/words: John Mendelsohn)

 

I was shipwrecked on the prairie

With my fortunes on the wane

The ex-roller skating champ of East St. Louis

As expected I was wary

Of ill winds that blew in vain

But a wind that blew in tune together blew us

 

You were stunning in red gingham

With your granny at your throat

As you steered my battered coupe towards the oasis

I wanna be your sugar daddy, dear

Put your heavy hand in mine

And the crowned heads of the rink will then embrace us

 

Hey, heavyweight!  Hey, heavyweight!

Underneath the bright Manhattan moon

Ha ha heavyweight you値l change your tune and make me swoon away

 

Heavyweight, Muhammad Ali痴 got nothing on you

If you let me stand in your corner

I promise, heavyweight, that I値l never pull a punch

Come rain or shine, sleet or snow

禅il death do us part

 

Hey, heavyweight!  Hey, heavyweight!

Underneath the bright Manhattan moon (underneath the harvest moon)

Ha ha heavyweight you値l change your tune and make me swoon away

 

Come the AM we値l be homey; we値l smoke smelly old cigars

We will snuggle in our bed and watch Dick Cavett

When his sponsors get their word in we値l make heavy wholesome love

We will stuff our mouths with cake and also have it

 

Hey, heavyweight!  Hey, heavyweight!

Underneath the bright Manhattan moon (underneath the harvest moon)

Ha ha heavyweight you値l change your tune and make me swoon away

 

ゥ1971 Glittermimp Music/Unart Music Corp. BMI

Reproduced by kind permission of Ralph Oswald & John Mendelssohn

 


 

There痴 a Broken Heart for Every Rock and Roll Star on Laurel Canyon Boulevard

(music: Ralph Oswald/words: John Mendelsohn)

 

Sittin the railroad tracks I commenced to roll a stogey

I felt a bit like Peggy Lee but looked much more like bogey

Muskogee is a lonesome place; they took away my Nash

I sat all day with my gun in hand writing songs like Hoagy

 

Polly痴 cheeks are smooth as peach but mine are full of stubble

Junie痴 no abiding sort but she痴 been got in trouble

The rubble is a sad old sight but New York City 痴 worse

The subway痴 done my nerves no good; I知 leavin on the double

 

We were comin through Topeka when I realized I was broken

Orville lent no sympathy; he just kept on with his smokin

Hoboken looked incredible but Boston looked like home

I値l roam with my guitar no more I知 sick to death of folkin

 

Hoboken looked incredible but Boston looked like home

I値l roam with my guitar no more I知 sick to death of folkin

 

ゥ1971 Glittermimp Music/Unart Music Corp. BMI

Reproduced by kind permission of Ralph Oswald & John Mendelssohn

 


 

Basket Case

(music: Ralph Oswald/words: John Mendelsohn)

 

Papa痴 into Dada and Mommy likes TV

Domestic life is boring but we池e grateful to be free

Grandpa has the trots again and brother痴 losing weight

An me, I知 sick of frozen food, so I知 waiting for a freight

 

Underneath the bandstand I met my one true love

She tried on my boiler suit and I tried on her gloves

My lady痴 old and nasty but she makes a great hors d凋uvre

I壇 up and move to Texas if I only had the nerve

 

I feed my ego health food and wear my Levi痴ョ tight

My father痴 hair is turning gray 祖os I alone bring light

Into the pointless little lives that those I love must lead

Sometimes I feel like giving up sometimes I wish I could concede

 

ゥ1971 Glittermimp Music/Unart Music Corp. BMI

Reproduced by kind permission of Ralph Oswald & John Mendelssohn

 


 

To You He痴 Just a Cop But to Me He痴 Mr. Right

(music: Ralph Oswald/words: John Mendelsohn)

 

When he passes on the avenue

Grannies cheer and beatniks sneer

Republicans drink beer and have no opinion

As he serves his small dominion with a smile all the while

 

Asking no praise as he wages the fight

In behalf of what痴 right and against what is wrong

To you he痴 just a cop, but to me he痴 Mr. Right

 

In his uniform he looks so fine

A virile bull in thick blue wool

Urchins grab him on the street pull at his sleeves and laugh at his enormity

As honors no deformity but thinks us all manure He is pure

 

But to me he痴 Mr. Right

 

Sometimes he lets me handle his gun

Or try on his badge or book cousin Madge

Try to imagine how splendid I find him

When those who maligned him get sent to the chair They don稚 care

 

Asking no praise as he wages the fight

In behalf of what痴 right and against what is wrong

To you he痴 just a cop, but to me he痴 Mr. Right

To you he痴 just a cop, but to me he痴 Mr. Right

To you he痴 just a cop, but to me he痴 Mr. Right

 

ゥ1971 Glittermimp Music/Unart Music Corp. BMI

Reproduced by kind permission of Ralph Oswald & John Mendelssohn

 



 

Tiger

(music/words: Ralph Oswald/words: John Mendelsohn)

Tiger in the nite

I see your cap is sinking low

Your eyes a fuzzy light

And the gash across your face they call a smile

Is cracking at the edges, boy

You池e running out of steam

 

Belly pulled up tight

A boozer 奏il your dying day

Ready for a fight

And a ladykiller in your way

But look out, pop, they池e tougher now

And you know what I mean

 

Tiger come on home

Your woman says she needs you

You池e on the bum too long

And the government won稚 feed you

 

Take off your boots, your running days are over

The lads are gone and the pubs are pushing clover

All around you

 

You used to be the cleanest cat to walk a city mile

Play it down, you池e getting old you池e losing style

The cops all said you surely was the toughest in your time

Your legend痴 made and anyway your pinball game痴 sublime

 

Tiger in the nite

I see your cap is sinking low

Your eyes a fuzzy light

And the gash across your face they call a smile

Is cracking at the edges, boy

You池e running out of steam

 

Tiger come on home

Tiger come on home

Tiger come on home

Your woman says she needs you

You池e on the bum too long

And the government won稚 feed you

Take off your boots, your running days are over

The lads are gone and the pubs are pushing clover

All around

 

Tiger come on home

Your woman says she needs you

Your friends are dead and gone

And the government won稚 feed you

Tiger come on home

Your woman says she needs you, boy

Your friends are dead and gone

And the government won稚 feed you anymore

 

ゥ1972 Glittermimp Music

Reproduced by kind permission of Ralph Oswald & John Mendelssohn

 


 

The Locomotion (Goffin-King)

 

Free Little Eva!

 

I want to see all my brothers and all my sisters out here

Do the loco-motion with me

Where are you, brothers and sisters?  Come on!

Do it to the left, do it to the right

Do The Locomotion with all your might

 


 

Poor Baby

(music/words: John Mendelsohn)

I  clench my face as poor baby gives chase

To painful recollections time can never erase

As the city sleeps my poor baby weeps

For the fly-by-night father I can never replace

 

Wanna see you laugh, wanna see you smile

Wanna see you here with me

 

All I want to be in this life

Is poor baby痴 man

To wake up beside her with my arm across her shoulder

Every morning for the rest of my days

 

Now I perceive what poor baby believes

That no man in the world can do more than deceive

She self-disgusts and won稚 give me her trust

Now it痴 getting hard pretending I don稚 know I ought to leave

 

Didn稚 want to go, didn稚 want to hurt you

But gotta save myself

 

All I want to be in this life

Is poor baby痴 man

 

ゥ1972 Glittermimp Music

Reproduced by kind permission of John Mendelssohn

 


 

The Babyshoes Bittersuite

(music: Ralph Oswald/words: John Mendelsohn)

 

a.    Sad Songs That She Inspired

 

In her Vogueゥ cover legs and refrigerator smile

She arrives to while my time away,

To look indifferent as I play

As I play sad songs that she inspired

 

Ringing with her dead bouquets and news of other men,

We値l play that song again today

And then she値l go her separate way

Separate way -- saying in passing 菟lease don稚 forget me

 

b.   Diminished

 

Hey, I used to make you in the sunshine

Wrote the lyrics for the tunes that you made

Gave you half of mine and never, ever asked for quarter

Content to walk in your parade, if even at the end

 

Now it looks like my good fortune has diminished

I saw you arm in arm with one that I壇 called friend

You are happy, he is happy, you two are happiest together

Is there now reason to pretend that it痴 otherwise?

 

c.    Kind Lady

 

I'm pledging my love

 

When your line-up of celebrities

Has unplugged all its cords

And the Fords queue up as if on cue

To whisk them back to dreamland

I値l still be here in my blue jeans

Waiting out your last few scenes

And wanting still to be your righteous man

 

Kind lady, pretty baby

I知 astonished by my love for you

Come over, bring your knitting

And make my dreams come true

 

d.    Your Righteous Man

 

When the sequins lose their glitter

And the ashtrays all are filled

That which I willed will come to pass

Our changes hence permitting

The documents shall all be signed

You値l look in your scrapbook

And there you値l find

Me waiting there to be your righteous man

 

ゥ1972 Glittermimp Music

Reproduced by kind permission of Ralph Oswald & John Mendelssohn

 


 

Smart Alex

(music: Ralph Oswald/words: John Mendelsohn)

 

In Hong Kong I was shanghaied into sci-fi westerns

Typecast as the moon痴 fastest draw

I壇 appear across the dunes like a late-movie Arab,

And, armed with harpoons, stalk the redmen who壇 scalped my co-pilot

 

A posse was formed to beef up my image

A priest was alerted as well

After smoking at least twenty six-packs per picture

My tonsils increased in importance if not in the fan mags

 

I knew that I was destined to die in the outback

My agent stopped taking my calls

I looked my gift horsefly direct in the mouthpiece

And discovered alas! that the message had been prerecorded

 

So I traded my Rolls for 典he Best of Bo Diddley

And got into Jean Shrimpton drag

Awash in a deluge of 壮ixties nostalgia

My tongue became tied, save for, 擢ar heavy out, man, hey dig it!

 

ゥ1972 Glittermimp Music

Reproduced by kind permission of Ralph Oswald & John Mendelssohn

 


 

A Second Hand Viola

(music: Ralph Oswald/words: John Mendelsohn)

 

I grew up in the basement of a workingman痴 saloon

My mother was the mistress of a famous gangland goon

My sisters worked the graveyard shift

And my papa died too soon

My only friend was a second hand viola

 

I was spat on, cursed, and ridiculed

By mama痴 mobster beau

禅il I listened to my instincts and laid the bugger low

With a right hook just like Dempsey痴

That I didn稚 want to throw

For fear they壇 take my second hand viola

 

The public cried 兎lectric chair!

But the judge said 鍍en to life

My cellmate said 土er pretty, son to him, I was like wife

Persuasive were his tender words

But more so was the knife

With which he slashed the strings of my second hand viola

 

I hobbled back into the world

Wrinkled flesh and brittle bone

Speaking only with faint gestures now, unable but to moan

Forgotten in a dark hotel

I値l spend my last few nights alone

Dreaming of a second hand viola

 

If I must live on your terms

If I can稚 live on my own terms

I won稚 want to live life at all

 

ゥ1972 Glittermimp Music

Reproduced by kind permission of Ralph Oswald & John Mendelssohn

 


 

The Tough Kids

(music: Ralph Oswald/words: John Mendelsohn)

 

When I was a boy I was fat and homely

And real easily embarrassed

The tough kids made it rough

They made fun and everyone laughed along

With all the tough kids

 

All the A痴 that I got didn稚 make me safer

There was no way to escape them

The tough kids were always near

They壇 appear to laugh and jeer, jeer and laugh

And after they finished, I壇 go home crying

 

The tough kids poured sand in my lunchbox

And tied my gym clothes into big knots

They壇 appointed themselves to make childhood hell

For all of us homelies and have-nots

 

Every dance of my teens was the same old story

I would wind up playing caroms

So fast my head would spin

The tough kids would butt in, and I壇 have been

In lots of trouble if I had argued

 

(Then we grew up)

 

And the tough kids got grabbed by the army

Or filled up ditch-digging positions

While we timid and weak, who they壇 never let speak

Became surgeons, kings, and magicians

 

A-ha!

 

ゥ1972 Glittermimp Music

Reproduced by kind permission of Ralph Oswald & John Mendelssohn

 


 

In Search of R. Crumb

(music: Ralph Oswald/words: John Mendelsohn)

 

(Why don稚 you see if there痴 anything good on?

Why bother?)

 

I was sitting in my wheelchair

Trying in vain to hide the fear

That all that lay ahead for me

Was football games and beer

 

The wife was in the kitchen slicing up a loaf of SPAMョ

When I tuned my trembling heartstrings

And lit out for the frontier

Singing softly 迭. Crumb will show me the way

 

How will I know him once I have found him

Will it amaze him will it confound him

That I crossed oceans, mountains, and deserts

Only to bask in his light?

 

All decked out like Flakey Foont

I searched for Robert Crumb

Among the wise and simple

The eloquent and dumb

 

Unhip, blas, and sodden all those sinful things I壇 been

But what I致e been counts for so little

Compared to what I致e become

Ooh, enlightened  R. Crumb has shown me the way

 

I was a lost soul, a geek, and a zero

禅il I reclined at the feet of my hero

R. Crumb痴 rap moved me, grooved and behooved me

Truck on 奏il you can truck no more

 

ゥ1972 Glittermimp Music

Reproduced by kind permission of Ralph Oswald & John Mendelssohn

 


 

Dynamite

(music/words: John Mendelsohn)

 

I知 fed up with never scoring

And having nowhere much to go

Lots of people think I知 boring

All those Bozos I will show

 

I値l be so hip that they値l flip out when I pass

I値l be a gas, I値l be fantastic

Dynamite is what they値l call me

 

I will shine them on in sequins

I値l be tall in platform shoes

With hair exactly like Rod Stewart痴

My presence will be front page news

 

The girls will scream, the boys will dream of when they too

Can do the things of which I値l sing

In a sexy English accent

 

But I値l remain nice

Or try, heaven knows

I値l let all my fans touch

My dynamite toes

 

And I値l pose if they bring cameras

All the kids are singing

泥ynamite痴 the dude we池e digging

Dynamite is farther out

Than we thought a person could be

I知 their main man, there痴 no doubt

 

Dynamite!

Dynamite!

Dynamite!

Dynamite!

 

ゥ1972 Glittermimp Music

Reproduced by kind permission of John Mendelssohn